Music Monday: Death Cab for Cutie.

I will probably always have a special place in my heart for this band. This album came out when I was very young and vulnerable and to this day is still one of my favorite albums of all time. I feel like it gets better with age, like a fine wine. Not like I know anything about wine though, I prefer the cheapest and sweetest I can find.

With a few months left until our wedding (!!) I feel like I can actually share some things about my relationship with you all. Ok. Here we go.

Adam and I started dating when I was freshly 19. We met through a mutual friend and he had a girlfriend at the time. I was convinced that he would never go for someone like me. For years I was conditioned to be the “funny friend” the “yeah, I’ll talk to you all night but tomorrow I will pretend like you don’t exist” type of friend. That was me. The girl that all my guy friends would invite along to pick on, the girl that my girl friends would invite along just so they didn’t get roofied at a party. I wasn’t the sexy one, or hell, even the pretty one. I was average. Always average. Funnier than the average bear, fuglier than most. And I was used to it. I threw my heart at anyone who was nice to me and it got thrown back in my face. A lot. There were a lot of nights spent crying with this album playing in the background. In fact, my dad actually burst into my room once to break it in half because I wouldn’t stop playing it. And then I drove to Best Buy to buy another.

I had a habit of relating anything in my life to a song. This one in particular was the song that would come to mind whenever my heart hurt. Whenever I would be rejected, time and time again, this would be the song to play. And I’d have a good cry and move on.

So, needless to say, when Adam came into my life, I was very fragile. I overthought everything. I didn’t want to screw anything up. I didn’t want to scare him away like I did to everyone else. I didn’t know how to date, let alone let somebody give their heart to me. I didn’t know how to accept love. I didn’t know that I deserved it, let alone from someone that I treasured as much as him. I fell in love with Adam quickly and fiercely. I fell in love with him and never looked back. And I let him love me and I let him teach me how to love myself in return.

A few days after we started hanging out, I had a little get-together. It was basically just a few friends, tequila and a board game. I had my iPod on shuffle and this song came on while we were playing. All of those memories of this song flashed back to me. I saw myself crying in my bright pink bedroom over another stupid guy, I saw myself driving home alone after a regretful night with someone who didn’t care if they hurt me. And then, I looked over at this fresh-faced, handsome, perfect man. Smiling despite the fact that my friends were loud and I had too much to drink. I saw opportunity when I looked into his eyes. I saw a chance. I slipped him a piece of paper during the game with these words on it:

“I need you so much closer.”

Never in my life had a phrase been more true. And to this day, whenever I hear this song, I am brought back to that night when he kissed me for the first time and tucked that note into his pocket.

He saved my life in more ways that I can ever express, nor do I dare to. All I can do in return for everything that he has ever done for me is to be the best possible wife I can be. I will love him with my whole heart. Forever.

I can’t wait to be your wife, Mr. Horschler. Sorry if this post embarrassed you, I just think you should know how much you mean to me.

Thanks for reading.
Love,
Becka.