Music Monday: Death Cab for Cutie.

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I will probably always have a special place in my heart for this band. This album came out when I was very young and vulnerable and to this day is still one of my favorite albums of all time. I feel like it gets better with age, like a fine wine. Not like I know anything about wine though, I prefer the cheapest and sweetest I can find.

With a few months left until our wedding (!!) I feel like I can actually share some things about my relationship with you all. Ok. Here we go.

Adam and I started dating when I was freshly 19. We met through a mutual friend and he had a girlfriend at the time. I was convinced that he would never go for someone like me. For years I was conditioned to be the “funny friend” the “yeah, I’ll talk to you all night but tomorrow I will pretend like you don’t exist” type of friend. That was me. The girl that all my guy friends would invite along to pick on, the girl that my girl friends would invite along just so they didn’t get roofied at a party. I wasn’t the sexy one, or hell, even the pretty one. I was average. Always average. Funnier than the average bear, fuglier than most. And I was used to it. I threw my heart at anyone who was nice to me and it got thrown back in my face. A lot. There were a lot of nights spent crying with this album playing in the background. In fact, my dad actually burst into my room once to break it in half because I wouldn’t stop playing it. And then I drove to Best Buy to buy another.

I had a habit of relating anything in my life to a song. This one in particular was the song that would come to mind whenever my heart hurt. Whenever I would be rejected, time and time again, this would be the song to play. And I’d have a good cry and move on.

So, needless to say, when Adam came into my life, I was very fragile. I overthought everything. I didn’t want to screw anything up. I didn’t want to scare him away like I did to everyone else. I didn’t know how to date, let alone let somebody give their heart to me. I didn’t know how to accept love. I didn’t know that I deserved it, let alone from someone that I treasured as much as him. I fell in love with Adam quickly and fiercely. I fell in love with him and never looked back. And I let him love me and I let him teach me how to love myself in return.

A few days after we started hanging out, I had a little get-together. It was basically just a few friends, tequila and a board game. I had my iPod on shuffle and this song came on while we were playing. All of those memories of this song flashed back to me. I saw myself crying in my bright pink bedroom over another stupid guy, I saw myself driving home alone after a regretful night with someone who didn’t care if they hurt me. And then, I looked over at this fresh-faced, handsome, perfect man. Smiling despite the fact that my friends were loud and I had too much to drink. I saw opportunity when I looked into his eyes. I saw a chance. I slipped him a piece of paper during the game with these words on it:

“I need you so much closer.”

Never in my life had a phrase been more true. And to this day, whenever I hear this song, I am brought back to that night when he kissed me for the first time and tucked that note into his pocket.

He saved my life in more ways that I can ever express, nor do I dare to. All I can do in return for everything that he has ever done for me is to be the best possible wife I can be. I will love him with my whole heart. Forever.

I can’t wait to be your wife, Mr. Horschler. Sorry if this post embarrassed you, I just think you should know how much you mean to me.

Thanks for reading.
Love,
Becka.

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Album Spotlight: Deja Entendu.

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This past Monday, my favorite album turned 10 years old. There’s something about that realization that made me feel incredibly old. I remember going out to buy it when it came out–listening to it over and over again until even my mom knew the lyrics when I put it on.

‘Deja Entendu’ was a life-changing album for me. It in the pits of my adolescent despair, this album scooped me up and made me realize that I wasn’t alone in this world. There were other people out there that felt these emotions and this sometimes uncontrollable sadness…and in that, I found comfort. It has gotten me through some incredibly hard times in my life and I am forever in the debt of this band. Forever.

I may sound a little dramatic, but truthfully, it saved my life. I battled with sexual abuse and attempted suicide many times in my younger years and through that darkness was this incredible light. I put my headphones on and tuned everything else out. There is something about his voice that just flat-out speaks to my soul. It has always resonated with me and it always will.

I have replaced it many times over the years just because I wore it out but it is still one of the only albums I have that I could play over and over again and never get tired of it. And that, if you’ve seen my record collection, says a lot. It reminds me of the worst days of my life yet still defines the best days of my life as well. And if I told you that it didn’t give me goosebumps to this very day (after god knows how many plays) I would be lying. It still strikes a chord. It still makes me swell with emotion. And I love that it still has that effect on my life.

“Still & Storm” is a motto Adam and I have always had throughout our relationship and it is the phrase that will be engraved on the outside of our wedding bands so we are reminded every single day. That’s how much this band means to the both of us. And I can’t wait to buy Brand New onesies for our future babes.

I don’t know why I even bothered trying to explain what this album means to me. What this band means to me. I can’t even put it into words.

Happy Birthday, Deja Entendu. Thank you for everything. I could never be grateful enough. I love you.

Holding onto myself the best I can,
Becka.

Music Monday: Magnetic Fields.

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Hello, friends.
I have been in full-blown Wedding Mode. Which, for me, means I’m looking at things that are wedding related on the internet and finally getting around to ordering my wedding dress. Once and always a procrastinator.

Our “DJ” is actually a service that uses our music and only plays what we give them to play. This is perfect because Adam and I are both music snobs and I swear if someone requests “Celebrate!” I will lose my freaking mind.

I’ve been compiling music for before the ceremony, during the ceremony, the recessional, the entrance, the first dance, the dinner/cocktail hour. And do you know what? It’s totally the best part. I can’t wait to marry the love of my life and share bits and pieces of who we are as a couple through music and little details at our wedding.

I know so many engaged people right now (awesome!) and sometimes I feel like a total ass that my wedding is 5 months away and I’m just getting around to getting a dress when there are people who have been engaged for a fraction of the time and have way more finished than I do (and their wedding is further away). But do you know what? Everyone is different. I know at the end of the day on November 15th, I will be married to my best friend in the entire world and how I get there is how I choose to get there. I will go at my own pace and our wedding will be absolutely perfect. I mean, seriously? Who else that I know is having a pizza truck cater their wedding?! I just need to stop comparing myself to other people. I refuse to stress myself out over planning the happiest day of our life.

This is number one on my list for my “aisle song.” I cry everytime I hear it and picture it playing out on our wedding day. I think this might be it.

“You ought to give me wedding rings.”

Becka.

Music Monday: Bruce Springsteen.

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Hello friends. I’m sorry I didn’t deliver on the homemade Nutella. It turned out like shit and I didn’t feel like sharing. See, even I make cooking fails. And I’m pretty great at everything. HA! That was a joke.

Considering my Wedding is in less than 6 months at this point and well, I better get my act together before I end up wearing a muu-muu, I decided to go to the gym after work. It was hot. However, I had my trusty iPod on shuffle and this gem blared through my ear buds. I was immediately a kid again and driving around with my dad with the windows down drinking cherry soda. It was distracting me from my impending heart attack, so I’ll take it. Nostalgia.

Is there anything better than this song on a warm night with your windows down? I’m unconvinced.

I promise less crickets this week. I was so peeved about the Nutella that I flat-out refused to try any new recipes. Like the baby that I am.

Stay tuned.

Becka

Music Monday: Yim Yames.

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Another contender for my walk down the aisle. We are getting married at night and we want the only lighting to be a few strands of globe lights overhead and just candles. Tons of candles. More candles than probably necessary.

I tear up just thinking about my dad walking me to Adam. Oh man.

There are about 5 other songs on this list. I’d like to share more wedding plans with you guys if you’re up to it. Maybe once I’m a little more organized?

Expect some crickets around here over the next week or so. We’re moving and moving sucks.

Becka

Music Monday: The Postal Service.

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I’ve been feeling mighty nostalgic lately. Maybe it’s the pending wedding or the fact that my 24th birthday is creeping up quicker than I’d like. Or the fact that I realized that I graduated high school almost 6 years ago.

Don’t get me wrong, 23 isn’t old. In fact, most thirty-somethings wish they were in my shoes. Older people too, I’m sure. I am, however, in a strange limbo. I still think of high school memories more often than I probably should…could it be because I didn’t really go to college? Should I still reminisce about being 17 or should I be lunging towards adulthood with open arms?

At first glance, I may seem like I’ve got my shit together. I mean, I’m in a serious (and wonderful) long-term relationship with a man who I will marry before the end of this year. We have built a home together…coming up on three times. We are madly and crazily in love. And I would never change that for anything.

But, there are sometimes when a song like this comes on and you picture yourself at 17 driving with the windows down in your crappy Cutlass Supreme with a full tank of gas and your best friend in the passenger seat– wailing at the top of your lungs. Slurpee’s in the cup holder. Beads dangling from the rear-view. And you can almost picture the sweet air wafting through your nostrils and the air whipping your hair into your face. And the entire world is right in front of you and you can do with it what you please.

And then when the song’s over, you get a lump in your throat much like the one I have right now . You tighten your grip on reality and you realize that you will probably never have that sense of ¬†absolute freedom that you once had. There are some things that you will just never get back. Mortality can be a terrifying realization, I have come to find out.

However, music has the most goddamn beautiful way of resurrecting memories that you thought were buried under all the stress of bills and money and being so afraid to fuck every single thing in your life up. But they’re not lost. There are songs standing by, waiting to be devoured. New memories begging to be fastened to them forever.¬†And I fully intend on getting my fill.

Then you realize you were ridiculous for wanting to trade 23 for 17.

23 is the best, yet. And it gets better every single day, even when it feels like it couldn’t get worse. I am alive, well, loved. And it’s only getting better with time.

Becka.

Music Monday: Alt-j.

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Have you ever heard a song and were so confused yet so intrigued as the notes entered your ears? That you found yourself hitting the repeat button over and over until it quickly became your most listened to track on iTunes? This song did it for me.

Alt-j is not a band I would normally listen to. I shy away from mostly anything that has been infused with what I like to call ‘club beats’. Not saying that this is club music by any means…it’s just not something you would normally find me listening to. But it’s so good. Ridiculously infectious.

It’s smart, chaotic and addictive. And I can’t get enough.

And you better believe this track will grace my Spring Mix.

I’ll be back with plenty of posts these coming weeks. I’m on Spring Break (from my one night class…life is rough…) but I have quite a few tricks up my sleeve (Illusions, Michael! A trick is what whores do for money….or cocaine! Anyone? ANYONE!?)

Becka